What forest? What trees?

Can't call? Don't say hi.

I got an email from a friend the other day. He had seen a guy I know the day before. He wrote in his email: "'So and so' says hi." I know we all do this, but when you think about the act of asking a third party to say hi to a friend of yours, well, it's actually an insult. What you're saying is, "I don't have the time or inclination to call or write you myself, so I'm saying hi via this other person who knows nothing about our relationship." Now, that's sincere. Right? The Rule: Don't ask a friend to say hi to another friend. Make the call yourself. Otherwise, keep your mouth shut.

Take a nap

Latest Rule to live by: Take a nap. Reminded of the importance of napping when reading NYTimes this morning, the What's Offline piece in the Business section. Today's theme is "How to be Smarter" and one of the ways to be smarter is to take a nap after lunch. According to this article,

Previous research has shown that sleep improves memory, and “now Olaf Lahl of the University of Düsseldorf in Germany and his colleagues have struck a blow for power napping.” Their work shows that falling asleep for as little as six minutes is enough to “significantly enhance memory.”

Of course in many ways we're still in the Neanderthal mode in the workplace where if you're not at your desk doing something you're not being productive. This too shall pass. Apparently some companies, such as Nike and Deloitte Consulting, are encouraging their workers to take a brief nap.

There was an article in the New Yorker from June 2007 about the folks at Workman Publishing setting up a nap program at their offices after they published Take a Nap! Change Your Life by Sara Mednick. Businessweek magazine interviewed her back in November 2006 about the benefits of taking a nap in the middle of the day. She says the ideal nap is 20 minutes long and takes place after lunch, some time between 1 p.m. and 3 p.m.

I'm curious to find out if the Workman folks are still napping. Note to self: call them and find out if naps are still on the to-do list.

Be more than you seem

I've stolen this rule from Stephen Bayley, who I interviewed at tompeters.com about his book Life's a Pitch, which he co-authored with Roger Mavity. Stephen's half of the book has chapter titles such as "Seduction, or, how to get to yes"; "Lunch: theory and practice"; "How to be, er, confident"; and "Visual language, or, what does my tattoo say about me?" It is in this Visual language chapter that Bayley writes: "Those with an inclination to brag or exaggerate should know that Frederick the Great's advice to his troops was: 'Be more than you seem.'"

My feeling is that this notion goes beyond just not bragging about yourself. I really think it's an important concept, but not clearly understood. It's about being understated in looks and demeanor. Don't let people know everything about you. Hold some stuff in reserve. It's not about being secretive, it's just about holding something back. There's some power in keeping some stuff inside. I think of (guys, mostly) telling stories about some adventure and each guy is trying to one-up the guy before him. This is general man banter and sometimes interesting but mostly not. When you find yourself in this situation, try not telling your story, the one that outdoes all the others. (It's hard.) It's a good thing to do once in a while. Just hold back. The only who knows is you. And so you don't have a topping story for that round. So what?

Take what's offered

I was reminded of this rule recently when I interviewed Stephanie Palmer who has written a book titled Good in a Room. As part of my preparation for the talk, I downloaded a pdf of "Top Ten Tips" from her website. Number one on the list, and my rule of the day, is: Accept the water. As Stephanie says, "You should always accept hospitality—it warms up the room and gets things off to a good start."

In her case, she's talking about being in a meeting, trying to sell something to someone. But this applies to all aspects of life. I think this notion first occurred to me when I was hitchhiking around Europe when I was a younger person. As a hitchhiker, you have nothing. A pack on your back and the clothes you're wearing. And the people who pick you up have a car and the money to buy gas and all that and they frequently wanted to share whatever else they had. They often offered you something to eat or drink and I quickly learned that turning down something offered put a slight chill on the situation. You know, it's you and this other person in a small space. You want to do whatever you can to keep things "warm," as Stephanie says.

I want that URL

So, here's a rule. You shouldn't be able to own a URL that has nothing to do with your business. Since I started writing these Rules to Live By a few days ago, I naturally looked into the URL, "Rulestoliveby.com." Here's what you find at that address:

What the hell is this ISP in Wisconsin doing with this URL? Clearly they're not blogging about Rules to Live By. They're trying to sell their ISP services. Jeesh! And here I've gone and given them a plug. The bastids!

Okay, okay, I know this is a non-issue. It's way too late. It's a done deal. People buy URLs an re-sell them. I know this, I know this. It's just that in that ideal perfect world that doesn't exist, you wouldn't be able to do this. So this rule doesn't apply to the real world. Oh well. We can all dream, right?

Men don't/can't/won't believe women?

Not sure what to call the rule here. This is about men not hearing women, or maybe it's not believing women. This past Monday morning I bicycled the Boston Marathon route back and forth with a group of friends. We rode the 26 miles from Boston to Hopkinton, the starting point for the race. While standing around taking a short break before heading back into Boston, I overheard one of the bicyclists, a woman, telling a couple of guys that "mice don't co-habit with rats." Apparently one of the guys had discovered mice in his house and she was trying to look at the positive side. If you've got mice, you don't have rats. Lesser of two evils and all that. These two guys didn't believe her. I don't know why. I came over and said, "mice don't co-habit with rats" and the guys say, "oh" as in oh, I didn't know that and thanks for telling me. They believed me. They know this woman better than they know me. And she then says, "why don't guys ever believe women? I just told you the same thing and you didn't believe me and then he [me] comes along and says the same thing and you believe him." This woman is a doctor. She's an athlete. She's not crazy. There's no reason for them not to believe her.

Now, this resonated with me because I've heard the same complaint from my wife about me. And it's true. She has made some statements that I think are preposterous and I say, "come on, that can't be true," but then if I see that same thing written the next day in a newspaper, I believe it.

Is this just a couple of random cases of guys not believing women or is this more of a cultural issue? I'm curious. I'm also guilty. So I need to change something here.

Be interested...in everyone

This one I have stolen from Tom Peters, and he seems to have stolen it from Jim Collins who stole it from John Gardner, who stole it from who knows who? (who knows whom?) The text below comes from a piece written by Jim Collins in Business 2.0 (rest in peace).

Jim Collins’ Golden Rule #11 (from Business 2.0)

I learned this golden rule from the great civic leader John Gardner, who changed my life in 30 seconds. Gardner, founder of Common Cause, secretary of health, education, and welfare in the Johnson administration, and author of such classic books as "Self-Renewal," spent the last few years of his life as a professor and mentor-at-large at Stanford University. One day early in my faculty teaching career -- I think it was 1988 or 1989 -- Gardner sat me down. "It occurs to me, Jim, that you spend too much time trying to be interesting," he said. "Why don't you invest more time being interested?"

If you want to have an interesting dinner conversation, be interested. If you want to have interesting things to write, be interested. If you want to meet interesting people, be interested in the people you meet -- their lives, their history, their story. Where are they from? How did they get here? What have they learned? By practicing the art of being interested, the majority of people can become fascinating teachers; nearly everyone has an interesting story to tell.

I can't say that I live this rule perfectly. When tired, I find that I spend more time trying to be interesting than exercising the discipline of asking genuine questions. But whenever I remember Gardner's golden rule -- whenever I come at any situation with an interested and curious mind -- life becomes much more interesting for everyone at the table.

Another rule

Okay, this one may seem to contradict yesterday's, but here goes: Stop drinking soft drinks. Yesterday I said you should always stop at the neighborhood lemonade stand and buy lemonade, or whatever it is the young kid there is selling. That's something you do for that person. You can sacrifice your body once in a while. (Or if you're really not into lemonade, just don't drink it.) This thing about stopping soft drinks is something you do for yourself. You don't have to believe me, in fact you have no reason to believe me, but you'll probably be more likely to believe Dr. Mehmet Oz. He's all over the place and is probably most well known from his appearances on the Oprah Winfrey Show. (Also he doesn't mind talking about poop, which must endear him to many.) I know him from Esquire magazine, where he writes a fairly regular column. In the current issue (May 2008), he co-authors an article called "Retool, Reboot, Rebuild: A Life-Extending Guide to Your Body's Next Seven Days."

On Day 3 he writes:

"Throw Away Soft Drinks: Even diet sodas, which are no better than the usual sugar-filled variety. If studies existed proving that diet sodas help you diet, you probably would have heard by now. In fact, diet soda appears to increase your chances of developing chronic diseases and gaining weight."

You might wonder what I'm doing reading Esquire magazine, and I am embarrassed to admit that in public, but I do like their feature called "What I've Learned." This month's features Vint Cerf, the guy who really did 'invent' the Internet. One of the things he's learned is also one of my Rules, but that's for another day.

Rules to live by

I'm just thinking about rules. We all want a set of rules to help us get through the day. And I'm going to begin setting down my rules. Not that I can think of any off-hand. That's why I'm going to start working on this list. I must have rules; I'm just not aware of them.

First rule: always buy lemonade from the kids who set up stands in front of their houses. I was reminded of this on Marathon Monday when I was walking home from watching the runners pass by on Beacon Street here in Brookline. There was a young girl who had set up a card table near the sidewalk. She was selling iced tea, not lemonade, but the rule still applies. It was only 25 cents for a cup.

A lot of people passed by without stopping. I don't understand that. Here's a kid who is doing something, not just sitting around, and I think it's our responsibility to support that kind of initiative. Not that I'm so pro-capitalism. It's not about the money. Well, yes she's doing it for the money. I doubt that she'd say she was doing it for the experience. But it's the experience that matters. And I think it's the duty of us citizens, her neighbors, anyone passing by, to stop and support her. It's only a quarter! Small price to pay for a big dose of encouragement.

Seems there was a computer game based on the lemonade stand idea as well.

N.B. The photo at the top of the post is a generic lemonade stand, not the one down the street from me. (Next time I'll get my own photo.)